Paranoia Blues is a pretty woman. Her way to speak with clenched jaw and that sudden bursting out in laugh of hers are very sensual for me.
Since I knew her she is studying Medicine. I know her since 16 years. She is not unable to study or to understand, on the contrary, as a matter of fact she studies so well every illness to the point of getting infected by it. She spends the time looking for, and finding in herself, the symptoms she is studying.

With this fear to get sick obviously eating became very difficult for her, simply her throat shut down, years back. No dinner out with friends for Paranoia Blues. Nurturing herself is a strictly private hard routine full of pity: only soups or maximum some cheese crème, spoons not full to be swallowed with big efforts, when lucky, or spat out, many times.

Paranoia Blues is very intelligent of course, and pleasant to stay with, when she told me her stories I think that paranoia is the highest between all the human inventions; nobody else got it, may be some dogs, just to help their owners by mirroring them… Paranoia is really a masterpiece: to see how a nice day falls into extreme tragedy just because a mosquito flies in through the window… don’t you know that tiger mosquitoes smuggled themselves from foreign countries by airplane hidden into commercial tyres, bringing dengue fever along? No way to go back to serenity, no! anyway tomorrow will be another day...

When we doing love… what a woman! It is a rare gifts in life to have such a gorgeous sex… but sometimes she yells, I mean a particular one in between the many erotic yells she uses to sing loudly. A scream of terror: the condom is broken!

Naturally her strongest phobia is AIDS… or Toxoplasmosis? I could not take anything from the floor, Are you crazy? everywhere a rat or mice might have pissed, infecting everything with the mysterious terrible toxoplasmosis.

But AIDS obsession annoyed me a lot more, I had continuously to reassure her No darling the condom didn’t broke. - Check again, and again, don’t answer so faaast! Every here and then, every single time of blessed gods-like sex.

When she asked me to put two condoms one on top of the other, just to be safe you know how easily they break, then I decided the time was ripe for me to have an AIDS Test. I do not have AIDS, neither any sexually transmissible illness, but she did not trusted me, so I decided to test my blood to have her serene.

One morning I went early to the hospital and did it. When I told her by phone feeling so happy about, Paranoia Blues answered anxious: And the response? what the response? - You already know they aren’t giving responses on the spot! They told me to come back in 8 days. – Aaahhh! Are you crazy? Why didn’t you told me before? They are gonna be the worst 8 days of my life! How do you think I can live now without knowing the response? Monster! – But darling it was the same before… - How can you think this, monster? How can I sleep now? How can I eat? I’ll live the worst 8 days of my life ... a hell!

Actually this week was a hell, and the longest one after the Creation, but eventually 8 days passed by and I thought, knowing her, to bring her with me to the Hospital so she could see with her nice blue eyes that the paper with the response did not come out from my own printer.

We got in, free sits are available so I invite her to sit to face such strong emotion, and I handled to her the envelope, still closed as the clerk gave to me obeying the privacy law. Pale, with shaking hands she opened the envelope, took out the paper and read it. A smile. It’s negative!  she said. Wow! Saved! and straight away I am dreaming my deserved natural sex! and without heart attacks!

But… why were you so quiet? – I already know I don’t have AIDS – But… how did you know if the envelope was closed? – I always knew, I always told you I am clean! No, her face went dark, and it is not just a cloud, it is a tropical hurricane. Suddenly a lighting explodes in her beautiful eyes: Why did you told her Ciao? – ciao? to whom? – to the hospital clerk – And what? – You have to say Good Morning, not Ciao! – Look at her: she is 20 years old, she can be my daughter! – No! no, no, no! You knew her, it’s all merely showing off! And weeping she run away.

Days later Paranoia Blues called me by phone:  I’m in Dublin she said ...And what are you doin’ in Dublin? – I accompany Gaston – Gastooon? – Yes Gaston, he is a very pleasant person – Gaston… the one who buy castles and trasform them into luxury hotels? – yes Gaston – but… everybody knows Gaston has got AIDS… – Do you know? Since I have to die with AIDS, it’s better with him who has millions that with you that have no one…


Rodolfo de Matteis 2010